Okay, in a perfect little Bellingham, doing a perfect little job..... I would be a professional athlete. That is broad I know, since one criteria is that I have to be able to do this job here in Bellingham I narrowed it down, and it wasn't hard at all....
I would be a professional trail runner.
Trail running is about the only sport or hobby that I feel as if I could compete in. I wouldn't settle for just any kind of competitive running, I would never be a marathon runner (my knees would obviously not take that kind of output) but I could race shorter distances, such as half marathons, if I really needed to. It is all in the training. To trail run, east and west of the Cascades, in BC, all over the northwest for that matter, and would that be a dream job. I have the determination and drive that I could run several 50 km races a year (well at least I used to have the drive), or I could run several shorter races, I could be happy training to run (and getting paid for it).... in a perfect world.
Here is the closest I have ever been to being competitive. 2nd place (women) in the North Face Endurance Challenge (2007)
Pre 2009 Chuckanut 50 km race. photo source: Garrett Grove
Here I go again; all I can think about is the looming surgery. It might be the time on my hands, the idleness, the looming date, the increased discomfort. Whatever it is I am getting a wee bit nervous. I know it is a rather minor surgery and there are other people who face life threatening ailments around us all. I am really focused on one aspect of the surgery, am not worried about the ACL replacement, or the patella problem.... I don't want to remove my meniscus. The meniscus is part of the "cushion" on the knee. With the removal of this portion of the knee, arthritis is sure to set in early. Okay, I have come to terms with this and understand that it is inevitable. The problem I have is the fact that my running career may be over. Pwhew! That is a hard one to swallow. So as of right now, I know it may be a possibility but I am going to leave it at that because I know in my heart that I am not ready to be done with running.
I have said in the past that I know long distance running is not a lifetime sport for me. I don't think that my body can handle it. That is okay. I am not willing to give up running all together though. There is something incredibly simple and beautiful about running. I can leave my house, be on trail, in parks with just a quick change of clothes and a healthy pair of shoes. Then there is the efficiency of running, it only takes about an hour to get a great work out running, it might take twice that on a bike. I won't crash running (well not as often). What about the infamous "runners' high" it is one of the most satisfying feelings.
I haven't run in months, and I have come to the realization, the kind that comes deep within, I am not ready to stop running. I am unsure now what this means and what it is going to take but I am not ready to hang those tennies up.
To be honest, I thought that I would totally love the break from being active. Over the summer I yearned for more time to work around the house, do art, cook, and read but found myself biking increasingly more, yoga and lifting weights. Now I understand, I mean I have came to terms with the idea of balance. THere can be too much of a good thing, and too much of anything can be tiring (and even cause serious bodily injury!) and make one desire for something else, anything else. Now I have all the time in the world. I love it, I have started to actually cook, read, write, fix up the house (A HUGE THANKS TO J. & MY DAD!!!), decorate the house..... spend quality time with J. all the rich things in life. There is something missing, it is being active. My body does not feel the same (enough time has past to really notice) my energy levels have dropped considerably, my moods have changed, my body has changed. It has taken a few months but I know that even though I may never be at the same caliber that I was a year ago, I am going to lead a BALANCED active lifestyle for the rest of my life.
Some weeks it takes an act of great will to get through the week. This was one of those weeks.
I had a couple code amendments that I presented to Planning Commission on Thursday (mind you a room full of men... all men commissioners and audience, I think it was myself and Becky). I left questioning what the heck I was doing at my job, little, anxious, and glad that I had to pedal home 9 miles to get all this nasty experience out of my system.
I came home to flowers. Oh, did I mention I came home to daffodils...
My appetite finally backed off from the post race recovery. My legs are well, my endurance is there. I got a massage Monday. I went in with sore legs and the next day they were loose and limber. I am going to make a habit of getting massages after any big effort. I felt so much better. I managed not to run all week as well, I think I am recovered now!
Heather and Darrin had their first baby boy. They are the first ones of "my generation" to have a baby. I am so excited for them. I am going to go see him today for the first time! Yeah! What a joyous feeling they must have right now. I can hardly imagine. I wish them only the best.
Friday was a good day. I planted what I could in my garden. Peas, early beets, onions, leeks, and parsley. I have learned from John to not create too much work for myself, I can't help but plant a garden. There is something I love about it. It will take a lot of work, I will have to compromise the valuable time I have, but well worth it. It is going to be the best garden yet.
Saturday..... it is early in the morning still. I want to go ride my bike with John so bad. It is grey and looks like the skies are going to open at any second. The view from the living room is nice. It is going to be hard to get out. Oh the Northwest weather. After 25 years, I would like to just have some sun. I need some blue sky... today!
I made it! Here it is Sunday, the day after the race and I am winding down from a busy day, feeling great. My legs are understandibly tired, back a wee bit tweaked, my feet sore and an overall feeling of exhaustion, nothing out of the ordinary nor nothing to be expected. I actually feel quite good, all things considered.
Friday night I ventured over to Brandon's and tried to absorb some of his entusiasm and energy. We chowed down on roasted yams and sweet potatoes, pesto pasta, chicken and bread. He has been stoked on this product by Hammer products. He went on and on how I need to include a protien in my fuel. I usually (always) have water in my pack and suck on a GU about every hour. So I went home, felt uneasy about the whole idea but decided to add some "product" to my trusty hydration pack. MMMmmmmm.... don't ever....ever try anything new on race day...
Saturday, Brandon came and picked me up at 7AM, just as Dan (who finished in 4:40!!) the neighbor with incredibly long legs, knocked on the door to offer me a ride. Oh the buzz was about town! I was incredibly calm the day of the race, I had nothing riding on the race. I made up my mind that finishing was going to be a feat and focus on completing the course. It was just a long run in the woods, and what more do I love than that? I sat in the pavilion, killing the last 40 minutes before the race. People were stashing GUs in every crevasse that they could, lubing up, and even more talking it up. Spraying about all the races that they had completed this year. It was pretty comical actually. The next thing I know, all 350 of us were standing at the start line and off we went. The first 6.5 miles are flat and fast. This provided a great warm up and at aid station 1 I was right on time coming in just under an hour. We then climbed up to Fragrance Lake which ended up being a long hike trying to keep my heart in my chest.... Left around the lake and then down the old Two Dollar trail. This section of trail is usually the first of the mud fest. I thought this year that the mud would be overwhelming but the entire race was nice and tacky. This is when I first noticed my sideache. Odd, I never get side aches, this developed into a somache ache, a royal knot in the belly. Uh oh... When we hit the bottom of $2, we climb up Cleator, the entire road! This is the part of the race that is a total mind!@#$. This part of the race makes me question why I signed up to climb Cleator, why it is that I like my legs to feel like death... at the top of Cleator lies the reason why I signed up: the Ridge Trail, one of my favorites of all time. This was the only section of trail that I can actually pass people. I love the ridge! From the entire ridge, we venture back, deeper into the Chuckanuts and head toward Lost Lake, This is a grind, steadily uphill, muddy as all hell and 8.5 miles between aid stations. In this back section, I would take a swig of the milky water elixir in my pack and moments later, my stomach would be in knots, I would bend over to relieve the cramps. WHAT! Who ever tries new things on race day anyway... crazy fools! Once cresting "too many pigs" trail we fly down an old service road and to aid station 4 and the base of the CHINSCRAPER. The icing on the Chuckanut's cake. this section of trail is probably on three miles long but there are sections of it that are no give away, all fours type of affair. Once to the top it is a breeze down the Fragrance Lake service road, past the last aid station ( where I happily had a Dixie cup of water and so desperately wanted to drop my pack with someone so I wouldn't even tempt myself with the fluid that was contained in it) and back up the Interurban. This was the hardest part of the race for me. I felt every step. All I wanted to do was walk, walk, walk! "The faster you run the sooner you are done..." was on repeat in my head. I didn't want to walk because that means that it would be drawn out longer than I wanted to be doing it. I was alone, passing just a couple of people struggling, I had to just tip my hand and pass, I couldn't bear to look at them because I felt the same way. The last six miles are unreal, I know what it feels like to run six miles, it is casual, I fire off 8 before work. But the last six miles is insane. Then the last two miles are even more grueling. They just on and one, then before I knew it I made the last left hand turn into Fairhaven park, I can hear the PA system, then I hear them announce #238: Michelle Stiles. WOW I made it yet again! I see the crowd and get a 2Nd wind (I am actually probably on my 17Th wind by now) and cruise on into the finish line. John was the first person in the crowd I saw clapping, then noticed that he was surrounded by our friends: Andy, Az, Joe.... Ah how sweet. The finish light was the sweetest feeling of the day!
Ahhh... another year under my belt, another race chalked up and I am stronger because of it!
Thanks every one for the encouragement and support!
We are getting close! I am looking forward to seeing all of you this weekend. We have an amazing list of Volunteers thanks to Cheryl Batty who has coordinated each and everyone. This race (any race) is not possible without the help of volunteers. Please be sure to thank them throughout the day!
WEATHER: The forecast is for rather wet and cold weather, quite normal for this race, but with no drop bags this year, please consider that showers are possible and it could be very cold up on the ridge. There very likely will still be snow for several miles on the course, maybe considerable new wet snow, and slushy icewater unavoidably right in the middle of the trail. With no drop bags, runners will need to take enough clothes to be OK for the duration.
With that in mind, we do not recommend that a runner bring expensive or favorite jackets or other clothing unless you plan on wearing/carrying it the whole time. Although race management tries their best to get everything back to the start, we stress that there is NO guarantee that runner's personal gear will be returned in a timely manner or at all, and therefore runners should be careful what they wear if they plan on leaving anything along the way. You leave it at your own risk. Thanks for understanding this point. There are 350 runners and a very small group of volunteers coordinating this event, please be responsible for your items.
*** I will live, I know. How many times have I been out running in the snow this winter. Every weekend in fact, probably almost every long run and even bike ride has been endured in the snow/rain chit. So I have it on all those people who trained solely on treadmills, I can handle the gunky trails. To get me even more stoked, an old running buddy invited me to run on the peninsula this May with her. Here is the plan:
"I also wanted to see if you would like to run out on the peninsula from Whiskey Bend to the North Quinalt maybe in late May. I did it two summers ago and it was fun and fast! Rolling hills with one climb over Whatcom Pass. Its 42 miles and it took 9 hours last time. I'm running a bit slower these days, so you might have to be patient with me. There are a few river crossings toward the end. But by that time, you don't really care about wet feet anymore. The first 26 miles is a gradual incline and the last 16 a fast down down down plummet!
Let me know if your interested! I need some kind of long run to look forward too. We could even do the Hannagen Pass to Diablo Damn. Its longer, a lot harder, but there is still quiet a bit of snow up there till Aug. Let me know if your somewhat interested!"
Okay, so maybe I could get excited to start running again, especially with that to look forward to!
Sick the week of the race. I have not been sick in ages. The week of the race comes along and I am down for the count. I have been getting a couple massages a week my guess is that this worked some toxins, and the cold/flu bug out of my lymph nodes and into my system. I have been trying to drink as much water as I can, sweating as much as I can, and resting. Hard to say what I am going to feel like when Saturday rolls around. Right now my bed and some hot luquid sounds comforting. The forecast for the week is RAIN. Yes, RAIN in the biggest sense of the work. Lots of the wetness. The trails are going to be a disaster come Saturday, bordering unethical to run on.
Fridays I leave work around 1:30 or 2. It is a treat and I feel grateful to be able to slip away early one day a week. Today I was pretty sure I was headed home to relax and go to yoga. I know that weather is supposed to roll in tonight so I took advantage of the day light and mild weather. I gathered my shoes, gloves, and the one lonely ounce of motivation I had to run. It took me a while to warm up, as always, but once I did I always have the biggest grin that is hard to wipe off my face. Running trail, in the woods, fresh air, muddy conditions that just make you want to laugh... I wonder why I questioned my love of running. I feel at ease moving down trails and spending countless hours adventuring through the woods. Brandon has been super excited to run the Chuckanut this year. He has been picking my brain for weeks now, I haven't had much to offer. I remember that feeling, such a clear goal that gave me purpose and a drive that is unstoppable. I don't know if I will ever be there again, and that is okay. I am growing and discovering what makes me whole. Brandon stopped by last night, after a track workout that I had suggested. He looked great and stoked.... that stoked look that people have when they are doing something that they love. When I got home this afternoon, I couldn't help but absorb some of his positive energy. With this I went on a run and I loved my two hours on the trail. I am going to run next weekend. Run for the sake of being on the trail, some of my favorite trails in Whatcom County with a bunch of other people who also like to run trail. I bet there are a handful of others who feel the same way I do, under trained, lacking the mental toughness... all those excuses not to try. I remember having these same thoughts the first time I ran this race, Brie just reminded that it is just a long walk in the woods...
Here I am, two weeks before the Chuckanut 50km race, second guessing my decision. I had great intentions registering for the race, ambitious goals at the time to up my running, be dedicated and train. The time has come, my quads are tooth picks, my body is fatigued with stress (me left eye won't stop twitching), my lower back is tweaked, and my mind is obviously not there. I am questioning my ability to run at this point. Someone finally had some influence on me, the most unlikely of people. I have heard the argument a thousand times over that it is "unnatural" or "we are not built" for such distances. I had always disagreed. "Polish Bob," a fellow climber and my new massage therapist, of all people didn't make that argument. He put it in different terms. First, it takes my body at least two weeks to recover from such an effort. I usually don't rest for that long and wind up with injuries. Second, why put all one's eggs in a single basket. Really one can only run a couple ultras a year. What you get sick, injured, life just gets in the way. You have trained, basically eat, thought, slept, breathed with the intent of this race and now you can't compete. BLAH! Such is life I know but one is much more likely to suffer from major burn out with this type of training. Third, the likelihood of getting injured in these races is dramatically increased. Not the best... Maybe I was just open enough today to finally listen to someone. I think that I just don't want to do it so I am open to any excuses I can find. I am not in very good shape nor do I have the confidence that once burned inside of me, pushing me to the limit. What ever the reason, I am admitting it, I just don't want to run that far right now. ***Ahhh*** It is a load off already. Who knows, I might still run it, I have to sleep on the decision because I tend to make hasty decisions. As of now I am stoked on yoga, my floor bow is my favorite posture, I can do great back bends, I feel strong, and I have a great foundation for the coming climbing season. Distance running is another story. Is it a story of the past? Right now I think it is. I am not shutting the door on it completely, I will still get a couple runs in a week, I just don't want any pressure to run. Oh and biking is way cooler than running!
Yesterday was my spontainious long run day in prep for the Chuckanut. I resisted the urge to go for a pedal with John, Andy, and Bryan who also went into the Chuckanuts. I am just too slow for those guys anyway. After I had talked to someone else who is doing the race this year and he was telling me he was planning on making his long run the course of the race without the 12 mile of the Interurban trail I felt like that would be worthy of my time. So I decided to do it yesterday. Yesterday I bundled up, stowed 4 granola bars in my pack, water, andmy trusty Ipod. **note this is the first time that I left Natasha at home. She is just not game anymore** Off I went, up to Fragrance lake, down Two Dollar, up Cleator, down the full Ridge, out to Lost Lake, up Too Many Pigs, down the service road to Chinscrapper **uhg!** which popped out at the top of Cleator again, down the road to Frangrance Lake, down the service road to the trusty van! Up, down, 20 miles later, over 5 hours of trail under my belt, a day on the trails recharged my soul, I built confidence as I ran more and more of the hills, yes I can do anything! I crashed last night. I came home and showered and couldn't seem to muster the energy to do anything but curl up in bed. I just cannot recover like I did in the past years. I think as my body gets back in the grove, I will recover faster. The day after hurts bad... in a good way. I think that I have close to 1,000 calories... and it isn't ever 8:30 am!!!
For a long time I've believed that the secret to a happy and healthy life is the ability to celebrate cheap thrills, everyday miracles, little things. If you save yourself for the happiness that comes from big *wow* moments like a big trip to an exotic place, a big race, to climb the next mountain, promotions, most of life is sure to be depressing or at least boring. Finding beauty in the everyday is no small task but a way of life. My life these days are geared towards finding pleasure in the small things. Sometimes the forty hour week is like looking down the barrel of a gun ( it is really not that bad ). Coping yet not becoming complacent with this is a matter of necessity. Enjoying each day for what it is can be a blessing, acknowledging what is happening and then letting it go. Then it is just a matter of finding beauty in the small things. For me it is the baby step improvements in yoga, a brisk walk in the cool Northwest air, a tasty lunch, the confidence that comes from running again, trying my hardest at what I am doing, whatever it takes. In the end this is all that there is.
There was a time when my legs had no limit. I could run anywhere, any terrain, any distance, for as long as I wanted with out so much a blister. For a couple of years running consumed every second of my free time. I beat down the paths in the Chuckanuts, Padden, Gailbraith and logged some hours on the treadmill at the YMCA. I was finding my stride. As I left school and started to work more, the amount of time I dedicated to running dwindled. This forced me for the first time in my life to run fast for shorted distances. This actually worked out for me after awhile. I even raced a shorted race, Whidbey Island Half Marathon and did really well. It was a blast. My legs actually moved fast. I was RUNNING!
As this last year has passed I have put running on the back burner, giving my joints a break, put some weight back on, and focus on other hobbies/sports. I also picked up biking a bit (who am I kidding.... a lot) more, started practicing yoga again, and learning to relax a bit more.
All this explanation for one simple thing: I just registered for the 2009 Chuckanut 50 Km race. This happened out of the blue. I am still in shock that I did it to be completely honest. The race is capped at about 350 runners. Every year it fills up in about a day. A waiting list forms and as the date nears, people back out and others will go extreams to grab the last spots. This truel is a "fun run." I am really excited, with a little less then three months to get my legs back under me, it is time to get off the couch.... but there is no way that I am ever going to be that girl at the YMCA running on a treadmill every waking moment ever again!
I have raced the Chuckanut twice. The first time, 2006, was a life changing experience. FOR THE BETTER! It was the first race longer than a 10km that I had done. I met a great group of women to train with who were inspiring and a bit older and more experienced than me. Leading up to the race was incredible, I had support pouring in from all angles. My in laws all contacted me wish me well, Brenda and Carol came to the race to cheer me on, John and Brenna spent the day at the race in various locations, and Brenna even finished the last couple of miles with me. The race day was a beautiful sunny day (rare for March) making the trails prime. With this kind of support, of course my race was going to be memorable. I finished 104th in 5 hours and 53 minutes. My goal was to finish and try to make the 8 hour time limit. I was hooked.
In 2008, with less training I finished 119th in 5 hours 55 minutes. Since then I have ran a couple other 50 km races, the Baker Lake 50 (Boring!) and last year I competed in the North Face Endurance Challenge. Believe or not I finished second overall in the women's field and 12th overall. This still blows my mind.
