I am not one to stir the spiritual pot with (almost) anyone except my husband. Him and I agree on the level, conversations of this sort are challenging and exploitative, healthy and enlightening. I was raised Baptist by my Grandma, I was educated and exposed extremely liberal at Fairhaven College, I married a Texan with a very religious background. All pieces of a greater puzzle. My Sundays are spent in the woods riding bikes or connecting with nature in some fashion, needless to say I am usually trying to having a good time.
I take it all in, every ounce, every drip of knowledge. I have my believes, they make me want to be a better woman, I have goals, I have believes, I have no ties.
I believe that a little sweat and hard work puts everything into perspective. This I do believe to be true.
As I said, miscarrying challenged my believes. I stood at a crossroads, questioning what I thought to be the truth, I was and continue to be flexible to my feelings and open to myself and the direction I needed to go, were we need to travel together as a couple. Miscarrying questioned my spirituality more than anything I have experienced to date. I cursed everything, wanting a baby, even just the bump signifying a little one in our presence. Not this time.
All this being said, I know one thing, this was a little baby, created by two loving people hoping to spread more love and joy in the world. People try and console me(us) by reminding me that it was only ten weeks along. Ten weeks is enough to process this life changing event, adjust the forecast and plan for something far greater than us, the parents. It was enough time to consider myself a mother, him a father, to tell friends and to get family in on the excitement. We were parents for a blink of the eye.
Losing this baby changed me. Changed me for the better, helped me grow but in the end I am not the woman I was five months ago or a year ago. I am softer, more loving, sensitive with a big heart. It hurts, it will always hurt, but there is a piece of my soul that will shine, knowing that someday, somehow I will meet our first child.
In many ways, this is the story about hope, the bolstering effect of positive thinking, and the small measures we take in good faith and the means in which we find to cope.
I am reminded that we all acquire our handicaps. Everyone has their reasons they believe what they do. Circumstances lead us here, where we are, where we need to be.
I challenge you to accept your circumstances. To understand your handicaps and know what they are, move with them without letting them hold you back. Bring your history with you in your back pocket, not a weight on your shoulder. I am different, yes, physically, mentally spiritually but in the end it is just the handicap that I play in life. No big deal, I just play right on through, baggage in tote.
With all this being said, I bring you lemon loaf cake. A slight comfort food. A pound cake of sorts, a beast all of its own. I love the bite of lemon, the soft chew of a pound cake. I love the recipe for a very simple reason, I mixed it with a whisk from start to finish, no harsh mixer, no loud noises. A task I can do while my husband sleeps in the room next to the kitchen. A recipe I can make when someday our child sleeps soundly as I make us a casual treat. A whisk.
I made this for the the lovley group Tuesdays with Dorie. Please visit the other host for the week, Truc of Treats.
LEMON LOAF CAKE
From Baking with Julia
This recipe begs for poppyseeeds or maybe even a few pinches of cardamom. Don't over think it because like most things in life, simple is okay.
Serves 12-15
4 large eggs at room temperature
1 1/3 cup sugar
pinch of salt
Zest of 3 large lemons
1 3/4 cups cake flour
1/2 t baking powder
1/2 cup heavy cream at room temperature
5 1/2 T unsalted butter melted and cooled to room temperature
Preheat the oven with a rack in the center to 350 degrees. Butter and flour or line with parchment a 9 by 5 inch loaf pan.
Working in a large bowl, whisk the eggs, sugar, and salt for just a bit until foamy and smoothly blended; the mixture should not thicken. Whisk in the lemon zest.
Spoon the flour and baking powder into into a sifter and incorporate about a third of the dry ingredients over the foamy egg mixture. Whisk the flour into the eggs, mixing lightly. Sift the flour into the eggs in two more additions and mix only until everything is Incorporated. Whisk the heavy cream into the mixture. Switch to your favorite rubber spatula and quickly fold in the melted butter.
Pour and scrape the the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 - 60 minutes or until until the center of the cake crowns and a toothpick inserted in the center of the loaf comes out clean. Place the cake on a cooling rack and rest for 10 minutes before unmolding. Cool to room temperature and slice.
Once cooled the cake can be stored wrapped tightly in plastic wrap for up to days or stored in the freezer for up to a month.
