Grandpa and Guns

Yesterday I told you about fishing in Texas. Nothing beats fishing in the summer time deep in Texas country.

Sipping cold beer, silently casting into ponds with less than a care on the mind. It is simple. It is real.

But honestly what would be a trip to the country without shooting guns? Seriously folks.

We like to play.

This is CBS, J's older sister, the only other sibling. She has amazing red hair, the prettiest hair around. Her style is pretty much top notch. She is a straight shooter.

Meet Mama Bets. I love her to pieces. Yep, I love this lady. I am so glad that she is my family, family that is way too far away.

I was a little nervous to fire this little sucker. Focus.... steady.... fire!

See that little man behind me? He is always up to something. As we are shooting at this big piece of wood that J set up for us in a dry pond, Ralph sets up his own target. It is a small tear of paper dangling in the weeds.

Dead ringer. What more would expect from a generally sharp shooting man that celebrated his 90th birthday a few years ago? Seriously.

Meet J's grandpa, Ralph. Bubba Billy's dad. Together they still have a head of cattle (is that what it is called? head?) at the Triple S Ranch and work them together. Ralph gets out, tends fences, customizes his "mule" with horns and mirrors and has several farm dogs that faithfully follow him everywhere.

The steering wheel, yes that is a custom job.

My favorite farm dog, Hank. Sweet stinky Hank. Hank limps, Hank has a harder time walking than Ralph does. Ralph still gets around.

 Looking sharp for dinner.

I am pretty sure this is what J is going to look like in 60 years. I am totally okay with that.

Getting the Line Wet in Texas

We spent a nice long hot and humid week deep in the heart of Texas. As you know, there is a big huge gaping warm and gooey spot in my heart for my Texan. Put us together in the Lone Star State, surround us with wonderful family, spray Southern hospitality, stuff us full of Southern cooking and drench us in sweet tea and cold beer....

....you may never hear of us again. We will be fishing, shooting guns, picking pecans, planting a big garden in dark black Texas soil, chasing kids around, spending time in Austin listening to as much music as possible....Well until we touch back down in Washington and preach the love for the PNW and just dream of the country life that Texas offers.

The moment J landed back at the Triple S Ranch he spotted the fishing reels, guns, and the ORV to get us to big open pastures that beckon him with freedom and take him back to carefree childhood days. As we load the tackle, water, dogs and head to the fishing hole we dodge epic proportions of grass hoppers, J is reminded of years long gone when he would race down the same roads on a motorcycle, fish in every pond, swim in every pond, shoot rain gages, shoot birds..... 

A smile crosses his face and an easiness is present the rest of the trip. That is what Texas does best.

Did I say that the first thing we did was go fishing? Well, actually right after we had dinner, we are in Texas ya'll....

I will never tire of fishing these little ponds. Never ever. 

 

 As long as I have this red bearded Texan by my side.

CBS has a few years of fishing under her belt. She is a champ.

I honestly thought that J might change our flight, the very last day we started to catch cat fish, 10 pound cat fish. I don't have any pictures of that, it might just be fish tales or it might be the 110 degree heat that had me passed out on the shore too hot to even consider taking pictures.

Bubba Bill really did catch the biggest cat fish I have ever seen.

We had fried cat fish for lunch.


Next? We broke out a small arsenal of guns... there might even be a video!

Facing the Truth

Something has been on my mind lately. I have tried to approach the topic from several different angles. So far it is just bits and pieces. I have written page after page trying to convey a story to you, my story of surviving and living with an eating disorder.

I won't try and sugar coat this, it is harder than you can imagine to talk about. It scares me, anger and frustration surface, I feel incredibly vulnerable. My heart still flutters as I write eating disorder. It has an ugly face. It is raw and ragged. It hurts to think about. It makes me want to cry. Hitting publish on this post is going to take courage.

First the story was too personal, it was harsh and real. As time passed I could think more clearly and concisely. Today, just like yesterday, is a new day and I am discovering and more importantly, creating myself. I am a stronger woman today, increasingly comfortable in my skin. I am past the hard part, I am moving on in a healthy and happy direction with bold and confident strides.

I am ready.

It would be easy for me to forget about what happen. I could forget about a couple very hard years and just be grateful that my wonderful husband stuck close to my side as I battled the fierce demon that tried to stifle my flame.

I want to forget.

I don't want anyone to know what I did to myself.

I can't forget.


I want other people who suffer from this to know that they are not alone, others are fighting the same fight. We can fight back. As I rehash some harsh memories it is not pleasant but if just one person gains a little bit if light on what it means to have an eating disorder or how to reach out to some one dealing with one or I can encourage you to tell your story of addiction, it might be worth raking the coals.  

Today I will share with you a a small piece, as I feel comfortable and secure I will share another piece. Today, as I ease into the idea of sharing, you must understand where I was a few years ago, but to go there I want to tell you where I am. Yesterday I ate two pastries. Two. I enjoyed each one, crumbs and all, my fingers licked clean. When I was done  felt satisfied, content and okay. It was no big deal. Just like normal. I know to most this may seem trivial and insignificant but to me it was monumental. I didn't think twice about breakfast and then when we pulled out the second one that we tucked away at breakfast for an afternoon snack, I devoured the entire thing with a smile on my face. It wasn't until today did I realize what had happen. Living with an eating disorder, emotions out weigh the pleasantry of eating. Getting through the day is hard when the basic act of eating is shrouded in mind numbing guilt.

To set yourself free from this paradigm of thinking is like waking up in a whole new world, a world which is enjoyable.

Free Yourself

I came across the sweet and surreal illustrations by Alessandro Gottardo or Shout this morning and found myself flipping back to his illustrations, particularly this series titled Free Yourself.  

In an interview he explained, "It was an illustration for an Italian magazine," he says. "It talked about fear and how to defeat it. In this article, the writer talked about a little girl who was afraid of water, a sort of phobia; the psychologist suggested her to defeat her fear by jumping from a high trampoline. The image on your post is the first in a series of three. In the second image, you see her reaching for the water which reflects her and in the third one, you see the girl embracing her own reflection in the water."

Every day we are faced with risks, risks that are opportunities draped in fear. Often the most rewarding endeavors are those that require tremendous risk. As we face each new light, there is always the possibility to make great things happen with bold decisions that stare fear right in the face and never back down. 

I have been on that damn diving board for some time now. It is time to dive in and start swimming. It is time to free myself of the uncertainty and dive in.

Do you have fear that is holding you back? Are you mildly timid to dive into your full potential? 

Today pick something that scares you and dive into it head first. Be bold, mindful and passionate. Tell me how it goes.

Have a wonderful day!

Granola Cookies

I have granola in the oven right now, my favorite granola.  

There is a cold snap here in the desert, it is only 75 degrees and will creep to 90 by the evening. The air condition is off, the windows are perched open and I am baking, testing recipes and running the oven while the house is still cool. My thoughts push me outside, I should be out enjoying the cooler temperatures but the truth is I have been as far away from my kitchen as possible for much too long.  

Today, I want to be in the kitchen, baking through the morning. When I woke up today, I was finally ready to warm the oven, open a fresh bag of flour to make poppy seed rolls and make a large batch of granola to take on our trip next week. 

It feels natural, on a good day, to be in the kitchen. It is usually quiet, just me, the animals and my thoughts. Moving in the kitchen when I am baking seems second nature, I know exactly what I need, what goes next, what I want to happen and I learn from my mistakes.  Ask me to make dinner and the exact opposite thing happens. I am a baker. Today I was reminded that as much as I enjoy spending time outdoors, I need time indoors, to myself, using my hands and producing. 

Granola Cookies
Adapted from Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan

Makes about 40 cookies

3 cups granola (no fruit)
3/4 cup raisins
1/2 cup salted peanuts
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1/2 cups sweetened shredded coconut
1/3 cup wheat germ
1 3/4 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
3/4 cup (packed) light brown sugar
1 large egg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour

Preheat the oven to 375° F and prepare 2 baking sheets with liners.

Combine the granola, raisins, peanuts, almonds, coconut, and wheat germ in a bowl and mix well. Set aside.

In a stand mixer cream the butter for 2 minutes at a medium speed. Add the brown sugar, continue to cream for 3 minutes. Add the salt and the egg until mixed. Reduce the mixer speed to low. Add the flour and once it is just mixed, add the granola mixture. Stop the mixer once all the granola, nuts, and fruit are just combined. Do not over beat this batter. Use a spatula to incorporate any remaining dry ingredients.

Take a heaping tablespoon of the dough and gently pack. Place each cookie about 1 1/2 inch from each other though these won't spread a lot. Flatten them down a tiny bit using your fingertips.

Bake for 10-12 minutes. About halfway through, rotate the pans 180° and switch the pans on the racks. The cookies are done when they are a golden brown but not hard. Remove from the oven, let cool in the pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Phish 2011

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I don't know what I'll do today, cause sanity never came my way

inside me a voice was repeating this phrase, you've lost it, you'll never get out of this maze

trapped in time, and I don't know what to do

take the highway through the great divide

'cause a week is a month and an hour a day, when your reaching just pushes it further away

you don't gotta tell me I don't gotta move, 'cuz I'm sittin' back here sharin' in the groove

a dream it's true. but I'd see it through. if I could be wasting my time with you

the world around me's turning, I'm just standing still. the time has come for changes, do something or i will.

I'm looking through. and it all would be so crystal clear, if it wasn't for the foam

I stumble into view, but it isn't nearly fast enough for you

I just want access to the inside of your heart

there ain't no truth in action, 'less you believe it anyway

the trick was to surrender to the flow

sanity never came my way

Driving into the desert with hoards of linen and tie dye to partake in the cult like phenomenon that is Phish.

Me?

I am in it for the.....

ear candy

the insanely good people watching

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the friends that gather whenever Phish tours the west coast

mainly just the friends

but maybe it is the shameless excuse to dance like a mad woman barefoot in the grass

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late night glowstick madness

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visual over-stimulation from every angle might draw me back

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but most of all just a general good time that only happens once a year.

See you soon Phriends!