Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Facing the Truth
Something has been on my mind lately. I have tried to approach the topic from several different angles. So far it is just bits and pieces. I have written page after page trying to convey a story to you, my story of surviving and living with an eating disorder.
I won't try and sugar coat this, it is harder than you can imagine to talk about. It scares me, anger and frustration surface, I feel incredibly vulnerable. My heart still flutters as I write eating disorder. It has an ugly face. It is raw and ragged. It hurts to think about. It makes me want to cry. Hitting publish on this post is going to take courage.
First the story was too personal, it was harsh and real. As time passed I could think more clearly and concisely. Today, just like yesterday, is a new day and I am discovering and more importantly, creating myself. I am a stronger woman today, increasingly comfortable in my skin. I am past the hard part, I am moving on in a healthy and happy direction with bold and confident strides.
I am ready.
It would be easy for me to forget about what happen. I could forget about a couple very hard years and just be grateful that my wonderful husband stuck close to my side as I battled the fierce demon that tried to stifle my flame.
I want to forget.
I don't want anyone to know what I did to myself.
I can't forget.
I want other people who suffer from this to know that they are not alone, others are fighting the same fight. We can fight back. As I rehash some harsh memories it is not pleasant but if just one person gains a little bit if light on what it means to have an eating disorder or how to reach out to some one dealing with one or I can encourage you to tell your story of addiction, it might be worth raking the coals.
Today I will share with you a a small piece, as I feel comfortable and secure I will share another piece. Today, as I ease into the idea of sharing, you must understand where I was a few years ago, but to go there I want to tell you where I am. Yesterday I ate two pastries. Two. I enjoyed each one, crumbs and all, my fingers licked clean. When I was done felt satisfied, content and okay. It was no big deal. Just like normal. I know to most this may seem trivial and insignificant but to me it was monumental. I didn't think twice about breakfast and then when we pulled out the second one that we tucked away at breakfast for an afternoon snack, I devoured the entire thing with a smile on my face. It wasn't until today did I realize what had happen. Living with an eating disorder, emotions out weigh the pleasantry of eating. Getting through the day is hard when the basic act of eating is shrouded in mind numbing guilt.
To set yourself free from this paradigm of thinking is like waking up in a whole new world, a world which is enjoyable.